H.A.N.D!
                              Have A Nice Day!
                            June, 1996 - Issue 9
                                      
                                    :-)
                                      
   "If swelling, redness, rash, or irritation develops, discontinue use."
                                      
   . "A laugh a day may not keep the doctor away, but it makes the wait
   in the reception room a little more bearable."
   . Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire
   hall. Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him. The
   fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on
   fire?"
   Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
   . In our hospital, we put small tags on patients to indicate the foods
   they are allergic to. One day, an irate visitor approached me and
   demanded, "Who put a sign that says BANANAS on my mother???"
   . A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding
   of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy
   goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."
   And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion
   praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "We thank Thee for the food which
   we are about to receive."
   . When I was waiting for my train, I heard someone ask the conductor,
   "Can I take this train to New Jersey?" and the conductor answered,
   "No, sir, it's too heavy."
   . I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act
   like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ... -- Steven Wright
   . A woman telephoned an airline office in NY and asked, "How long does
   it take to fly to San Francisco?"
   "Just a minute," said the man who answered.
   "Thank you," said the woman and she hung up.
   . Man to Friend: I have learned the meaning of "true fear." Yesterday
   I was caught in a traffic jam, and I had just finished two cups of
   coffee and a bran muffin!
   . "What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
   "Nine A.M." came the reply, "And what's the idea of calling me at home
   in the
   middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
   "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
   "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian replied. "Why do you want to
   get in
   before nine A.M.?"
   "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get
   out."
   . Richard's young son, age 5, came running: "Daddy, Daddy, there is a
   lion in the garage."
   Richard: "Nonsense, son. You know there isn't any lion in there. Here,
   I will go there empty-handed and show you."
   Richard would have been 35 next month.
   . Final question on a third year Physics final:
   When you close the refrigerator door, what happens to the light
   inside?
   A: Nobody knows because it's dark in there
   B: It gets trapped inside because it's not as fast as you might think
   C: It combines with the yogurt to make "Light Yogurt."
   . The slave driver of the Roman galleon leered down at his galley
   slaves and bellowed, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The
   good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."
   The murmuring of the surprised slaves was interrupted by the bellow of
   the slave driver. "The bad news is that the commander's son wants to
   water-ski."
   . Alaskan: Our state is larger than yours.
   Texan: It won't be when it melts.
   . Aunt Billie's Really, Really, Really Interesting Questions:
   * Why isn't there another word for Thesaurus?
   * If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
   * If 2 + 2 is 4 and 2 x 2 is also 4, what's the big deal about
   multiplication?
   * Why does the AM dial only go down to 540? What kind of good stuff
   are we missing on 420?
   * If you're in a car going the speed of light, what would happen if
   you turned your headlights on?
   . An antique dealer was carrying a very valuable and rare
   grandfather's clock toward his client's house when a drunk lurched
   into him and knocked the clock to the ground. The dealer was furious
   and screamed, "Look what you've done to my clock." The drunk peered at
   the ruins on the ground, turned to the dealer, and said, "Why can't
   you wear a watch like everyone else?"
   . One day Aunt Billie was pulled over by a police officer. The officer
   walked up to her window and said, "Didn't you see that stop sign? You
   went right through it!"
   Aunt Billie replied, "Yes, I saw it sir, but I don't believe
   everything I read."
   . Coach Jones called the young lad in from centre field during a
   Little League game for a conference.
   "See here Larry," said the coach, "You know the principles of good
   sportsmanship at Little League games. You also know we don't tolerate
   temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do you
   understand?"
   "Yes sir," replied Larry.
   "Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "Would you please try to
   explain it to your mother?"
   . Uncle Bob's Wise Words:
   * If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
   * Oil spills give new meaning to the phrase "from sea to shining sea."
   * Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
   * The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
   appreciates how difficult it was.
   * A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
   . Uncle Bob: Did I tell you how my mother wakes me up every morning?
   Aunt Billie: No, how?
   Uncle Bob: She brings the cat to my room and throws it on my bed.
   Aunt Billie: Really? Does that work?
   Uncle Bob: You'd better believe that it does - I sleep with the dog!
   . 16 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
   * Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
   * Sell Girl Scout cookies.
   * Shave.
   * Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
   "Got enough air in there?"
   * Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
   upside down.
   * When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
   open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
   * On the highest floor, hold the doors open and demand that it stay
   open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at
   the bottom.
   * Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
   announce: "I've got new socks on!"
   * When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not
   now, motion sickness!"
   * Meow occasionally.
   * Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
   * Start a sing-along.
   * When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your
   beeper?"
   * Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
   * Bring a chair.
   . Top 7 Ways To Annoy a Flight Attendant
   * Make loud propeller noises with your mouth for duration of flight.
   * Ask for blanket and then run up and down aisle pretending to be a
   ghost.
   * Maintain emergency landing position for entire flight.
   * Push call button. Ask for pancakes. Repeat.
   * Hypnotize seat mate into not returning tray table to original and
   upright locked position.
   * Ask whether the Salisbury steak can be used as flotation device.
   * Fill air sickness bag with coleslaw. Toss at movie screen.
   
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