H.A.N.D!
                              Have A Nice Day!
                           April, 1996 - Issue 7
                                      
                                    :-)
                                      
         "Jokes have been sanitized and sealed for your protection"
                                      
   . "If you are going to be blue, be bright blue!" -- Anonymous
   . A waiter, with his thumb in the middle of a steak, set the plate
   down in front of his customer.
   "Are you crazy!?" yelled the customer. "I'm not eating this steak
   after your thumb has been all over it!"
   "I had to put my thumb there!" replied the waiter, "You wouldn't want
   it to fall on the floor again, would you?"
   . A man went into a drug store and asked the pharmacist if to give him
   something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reached out and
   slapped
   the man's face.
   "What did you do that for?" the man asked in a rage.
   "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
   The man said, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
   . An Australian farmer covered in blood was sitting on a stone near
   his farm crying, when his neighbour passed by.
   "What's wrong, Bruce?" asked the neighbour.
   "I bought a new boomerang," the crying Bruce replied.
   "So, why are you crying?" the neighbour asked.
   "I can't throw the old one away!!"
   . I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above
   me are
   furious! --Steven Wright
   . A guy was in his back yard one day when he glanced over his fence
   and saw his neighbour digging a hole. Being a friendly person, he
   asked what the hole was for.
   "My canary died, and I'm burying it," replied his neighbour.
   "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," said the first guy, "but isn't that a
   pretty big hole for your little canary?" he asked.
   "Well, it's inside your blooming cat!" replied the neighbour.
   . Teacher: Ben, I hope I didn't see you copying from your friend's
   paper.
   Ben: I hope you didn't see me, too.
   . Q: Did you hear about the man who fell into a vat of varnish?
   A: He met a terrible end, but had a beautiful finish!
   . "What am I supposed to do?" a young man asked his friend. "Every
   woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."
   "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find
   someone who's just like your mother."
   "I already tried that," the young man cried. "My father didn't like
   her!"
   . For the first time in many years, a friend of ours travelled from
   his rural
   town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket he stopped
   at the
   concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant
   $1.50, my friend couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to
   the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents."
   "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going
   to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
   . Overheard during a Smoky the Bear commercial:
   "How can a forest fire start from a little thing like a match or
   cigarette? I couldn't get anything happening with kerosene and hand
   grenades!"
   . There once was a little moron who took his nose apart to see what
   made it run.
   . Aunt Billie's Really, Really, Really Interesting Questions
   * What happens if you add water to a condensed book?
   * Why do we play at recitals, and recite at a plays?
   * Why are wise men and wise guys the exact opposites?
   * Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
   * Do witches run spell checkers?
   . As an airline stewardess Aunt Billie used to get annoyed when
   passengers disregarded her pleas to stay seated when the plane taxied
   to the gate. One time, she captured everyone by surprise by
   announcing: "The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in
   approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car and if I were
   you, I'd remain seated."
   . Uncle Bob's Wise Words:
   * Sometimes I feel like I'm caught between a dog and a fire hydrant.
   * Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it
   practically has.
   * Always look out for #1...but don't step in #2 either.
   * If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't
   either.
   * My wife is incredibly immature. Tell me if you don't think this is
   immature - she'll come into the bathroom when I'm in the tub, just
   barge right in, sink all of my boats...
   Editor's Note: Uncle Bob almost died yesterday while drinking milk...
   The cow fell on him!
   . A young lady was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door.
   "Who's there?" she called out.
   "It's the blind man," came the reply.
   Knowing she didn't have to worry about him seeing her, she let him in.
   The man walked in, stared at her for a few seconds, then asked: "So
   which
   window is the blind for?"
   . A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating centre and
   registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water
   sports, liked company, favoured formal attire, and was very short. The
   computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
   . Vera consulted a fortune-teller. The Gypsy gazed into her crystal
   ball and proclaimed, "Your husband is going to die soon!"
   "I know that!" Vera replied. "What I want to know is if I'm going to
   jail!"
   . The Best Ways to Order a Pizza
   * If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
   person taking the order to stop doing that.
   * Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
   * Use CB lingo where applicable.
   * Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
   * Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
   you're going with the lowest bidder.
   * Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up
   * Answer their questions with questions.
   * Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
   * Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
   * Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
   * Change your accent every three seconds.
   * Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern from an
   equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
   * Rent a pizza.
   * Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
   * Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a
   sigh of relief.
   * Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
   When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream
   GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
   * Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
   * Eliminate verbs from your speech.
   * Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
   * Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
   * Put them on hold.
   * Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you
   say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to
   respond.
   * Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is
   your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
   
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