H.A.N.D!
                              Have A Nice Day!
                           March, 1996 - Issue 6
                                      
                                    :-)
                                      
    "Please remain seated until the jokes have come to a complete stop"
                                      
   . "Too much of a good thing can be wonderful." -- Mae West
   . Doug fell out the window of a 20-story building. As he passed the
   14th floor, a friend yelled, "Hey, Doug, how's it going?"
   Doug replied, "OK - so far."
   . A woman came home and shouted to her husband, "Honey! Pack your
   bags! I won the lottery!"
   "Should I pack for warm or cold weather?" asked her husband.
   "It doesn't really matter, just as long as you're out of here in an
   hour!"
   . A cannibal hurried into his house and said, "Honey, am I late for
   dinner?"
   "Yes," she replied, "Everyone's already eaten."
   . A pesky child was making more and more of a nuisance of himself by
   playing ball in the aisle of an airplane. One man was particularly
   annoyed and finally lost his temper.
   "Listen, kid," he scolded. "Why don't you go outside and play?"
   . Melissa: I just burned a hundred dollar bill.
   Sarah: Wow! You must be rich!
   Melissa: Not really. The bill was from my dentist!
   . Today I dialled a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?"
   and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I
   don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I"ll wait." --
   Steven Wright
   . An orchestra leader had a terrible temper. One day he threw his
   baton at a musician and killed him. He was tried, convicted and
   sentenced to the chair. When he survived the first jolt he said, "I
   guess I'm just a bad conductor."
   . Two cows were standing in the paddock feeding on grass when one
   said, "Mooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
   The other replied, "Darn it! I was going to say that!"
   . An electrician was fixing a light socket in a mansion. When the
   house maid noticed he had muddy boots and was standing on a nicely
   polished antique table, she warned him, "You'd better put something
   under your feet."
   He replied, "Don't worry, ma'am, I'm tall enough."
   . Two little morons went hunting. The first one shot at a little bird
   high in a tree. It fell at his feet and he felt bad that the little
   bird had died when he shot it.
   The other said, "Oh, don't feel so bad. The fall would have killed it
   anyway."
   . I don't mind telling you, I'm worried sick. I put a Valentine card
   and my income tax return into the same mail. Now I can't remember
   which one I signed "Guess Who"?
   . A policeman stopped a lady and asked for her license. He said,
   "Lady, it
   says here that you should be wearing glasses."
   The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
   The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're still
   getting a ticket!"
   . Father to son: I don't care if the basement wall is cracking! Please
   stop telling everyone you come from a broken home!
   . A magician finished eating rabbit stew and rushed out of a
   restaurant saying to the waiter, "That rabbit stew made me sick!"
   The waiter, looking at him run, said, "Well, that must be the first
   time a rabbit every made a magician disappear!"
   . Aunt Billie's Really, Really, Really Interesting Questions:
   * Why aren't wrong numbers ever busy?
   * When we turn the lights on where does all the dark go?
   * Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
   * Why is an outdoor theatre called a "drive-in"?
   * Why do they call it life insurance?
   Editor's Note: Aunt Billie broke her leg last week. It seems she threw
   her
   cigarette butt down an open manhole and tried to step on it.
   . A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked,
   pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even
   close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God
   would listen. So he asked, "God, are you listening?"
   And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
   The man stopped and pondered some more.
   He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to
   you?"
   God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to
   you."
   So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder... Then
   he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars
   to you?"
   And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million
   dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a
   value it is so little."
   The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and
   said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"
   And God replied, "In a second."
   . Uncle Bob's Wise Words:
   * I used to think I was indecisive--but now I'm not so sure.
   * The average time between throwing something away and needing it
   badly is about two weeks.
   * The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly
   being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
   * Anarchy is better than no government at all.
   * Be nice to your kids; one day they'll choose your nursing home.
   . "Our restaurant is the best in the world," boasted the manager. "If
   you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order
   hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and ---"
   "I believe you," interruped the customer, "I ordered a small steak."
   . For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not
   add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
   . Classic Classifieds...
   * Two female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 weeks old, Perfect markings,
   555-1234. Leave mess.
   * Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
   family.
   * A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
   waitresses in appetizing forms.
   * Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children
   $2.00.
   * For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
   large drawers.
   * Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
   to take home, too.
   * Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
   * Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
   * We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
   hand.
   * For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
   * Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
   condition.
   * Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
   * Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
   * Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
   * Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
   Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
   * Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
   * Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
   Automatically burns toast.
   * Stock up and save. Limit: one.
   * Man, honest. Will take anything.
   * Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
   * Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
   * Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
   * Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
   * Three-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
   * Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
   
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