H.A.N.D!
                              Have A Nice Day!
                          February, 1996 - Issue 5
                                      
                                    :-)
                                      
        "No animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes."
                                      
   . "Are you really sure that a floor can't also be a ceiling?" -M.C.
   Escher
   . A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie
   theatre. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and
   said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you
   learn any manners? Where did you come from?"
   The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
   . "Johnson," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you
   didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."
   "That's a rotten lie!" Johnson protested. "And I have the fish to
   prove it!"
   . A Sunday School teacher, hard up for subjects to talk about, was
   discussing with her class how Noah might have spent his time on the
   ark. A girl volunteered, "Maybe he went fishing."
   A boy countered, "With only two worms?"
   . A wise old owl lived in an oak,
   The more he saw, the less he spoke,
   The less he spoke, the more he heard.
   Why aren't we like that old bird?
   . I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
   guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're
   open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." -- Steven Wright
   . A man who flew to Texas couldn't believe how BIG the airport was.
   The stewardess told him, "Everything is BIG in Texas."
   The man arrived at the hotel and he couldn't believe how BIG the hotel
   was. The bellboy told him, "Everything is BIG in Texas."
   The man went to the bar and ordered a drink. He couldn't believe how
   BIG the drink was. The bartender told him, "Everything is BIG in
   Texas."
   After he finished the drink, he was feeling a little tipsy. He walked
   out of the bar, fell into the swimming pool and started yelling,
   "Don't flush, don't flush!!!"
   . Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
   . A religious man who reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to
   church. Alarmed by the man's absence after so many years of faithful
   attendance, the priest visited the man.
   "How come after all these years we don't see you at services?"
   "Well, father," the old man repied, "When I reached 105, I figured
   that God must have forgotten about me...and I don't want to remind
   him."
   . The head of a small industrial firm posted DO IT NOW signs all
   around his office and plant in the hope of getting better results from
   his workers. Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the
   slogans, he said: "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with
   $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had;
   three salesmen asked for raises; the workers in the factory joined the
   union and are out on strike; and the office boy threatened to beat me
   up."
   . When the jail warden discovered that prisoner P220165 was collecting
   postcards and stamps bearing illustrations of athletes in various
   stages of executing the high jump and pole vault, two meters were
   added to the height of the prison walls. Just as a precaution.
   . On a baby's bib: Spit happens.
   . Aunt Billie's Really, Really, Really Interesting Questions:
   * They call round pieces of chicken, chicken patties and round pieces
   of fish, fish patties, so why don't they call round pieces of cow, cow
   patties?
   * Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
   * Why is a paper facial tissue so small when you use it for your nose,
   and so large when it finds its way into the washing machine?
   * Why doesn't a flashlight flash?
   * What did people go back to before there were drawing boards?
   . A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art
   exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary
   painting caught her eye.
   "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
   that?"
   He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a
   mother and her child."
   "Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
   . Have you ever seen...
   ...a home run?
   ...a kitchen sink?
   ...a rubber band?
   ...a cigar box?
   ...a king fish?
   ...a fire fly?
   ...a ginger snap?
   ...a salad bowl?
   ...a picket fence?
   . Uncle Bob's Wise Words:
   * There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like
   an idiot.
   * If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's
   real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
   * Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and
   see that I forgot to put on my pants.
   * I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
   * Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not
   smart enough to know they were impossible.
   . Q: What did George Washington say when he got his report card?
   A: 'I went down in history.'
   . "Stewardess"
   "Yes, Sir?"
   "I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the
   same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows
   blinds so I can't sleep."
   "Captain. Shut up and land the plane."
   . They never die!
   Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
   Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
   Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
   Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
   Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
   Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
   Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
   Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
   Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
   Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
   Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
   Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
   Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
   Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
   Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
   Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
   Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
   Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
   Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
   Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
   Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
   Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
   Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
   Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
   Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
   Old students never die, they just get degraded.
   Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
   Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
   
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