H.A.N.D!
                              Have A Nice Day!
                          January, 1996 - Issue 4
                                      
                                    :-)
                                      
   "Warranty does not cover milk coming out of your nose due to laughing
                              while drinking"
                                      
   . "My boss looks on me as sort of a consultant; he told me when he
   wants my advice, he'll ask for it." - - Will Herbman
   . An evening desk sergeant received a call one night from a clearly
   lubricated caller. "Thieves or vandals got into my car!" The caller
   said. "They took the steering wheel and the pedals and the whole
   dashboard!"
   The officer said he'd send someone to investigate, but a few minutes
   later the phone rang again.
   "Never mind," the same voice gurgled. "I moved into the front seat and
   there it all was..."
   . "I'm a walking economy," a man was overheard saying. "My hairline's
   in recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they're
   putting me in a great depression."
   . And God said, "Let there be light." And there was light.
   And God said, "Gee, I didn't know I could do that."
   . One friend to another:
   "My wife got mad when I used the word puke."
   "That's not such a bad word"
   "Yeah, and to me that's what her dinner tasted like!"
   . "What appears to be a sloppy or meaningless use of words may well be
   a completely correct use of words to express sloppy or meaningless
   ideas" - - Sir Ernest Gower
   . When I was a kid my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After
   school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he
   would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle
   Caveman was a bear.
   . A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman who was shopping at a
   local supermarket and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
   She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."
   . A very big man started to get into a fight with a very small man.
   "I'm going to mop the floor with your face," yelled the very big man.
   The little man replied, "You'll be sorry!!"
   "Oh, yeah? Why?"
   "Well, you won't be able to get the corners very well..."
   . Child to mother; "My teacher thinks I'm going to be famous. She said
   all I have to do is mess up one more time and I'm history!"
   . Judge to defendant: "Have you anything to offer the court before
   sentence is passed on you?"
   Defendant: "No, your Honor. My lawyer took my last dollar."
   . Did you hear about the freighter bound for San Francisco with a
   cargo of yo-yos that got caught in violent Pacific storm? It sank 42
   times.
   . As a patient slowly came out of the anaesthetic after surgery, he
   asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
   "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied, "We didn't
   want you to think the operation was a failure."
   . A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the
   highway. The local newspaper reported that onlookers were "stunned,
   befuddled, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, stupefied, amazed and
   dumbfounded."
   . Aunt Billie's Really, Really, Really Interesting Questions:
   * Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
   * If buttered toast always lands butter-side down and a cat always
   lands on his feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered
   toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?
   * What was the best thing before sliced bread?
   * What would chairs look like if ours knees bent the other way?
   * Is it OK to yell "theatre" in a crowded firehouse?
   . A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
   "Do you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I
   replied in a menacing tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses.
   Now I'll have to kill you too."
   . Uncle Bob's Wise Words:
   * Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
   that's how
   dogs spend their lives.
   * Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have
   never forgotten this.
   * If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
   screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man,
   I guess I'm a coward.
   * Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in
   Australia.
   * Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
   too dark to read.
   . A man is boasting to his friends that he is taking his wife to Rome
   for their 40th wedding anniversary.
   "What will you do for your 50th?" one of them asks.
   "I'll go and get her."
   . Woman to friend: "I still miss my ex-husband - but my aim is getting
   better."
   . Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said
   aloud in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new man!"
   "I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home
   with the same old one."
   . One fly to another fly; "Your human is open."
   . In the paper...
   "Grandmother of eight makes hole in one"
   "Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers"
   "Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan"
   "Milk drinkers are turning to powder"
   "Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted"
   "Squad helps dog bite victim"
   "Enraged cow injures farmer with axe"
   "Miners refuse to work after death"
   "Two Soviet ships collide - one dies"
   "Autos killing 110 a day - let's resolve to do better"
   "Cold wave linked to temperatures"
   "Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say"
   . The Top 13 Ways to Cope With Stress:
   13. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in
   jail.
   12. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
   11. Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognise it when it comes
   back to you.
   10. Polish your car with ear wax.
   9. Drive to work in reverse.
   8. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
   7. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and drop them from high
   places.
   6. Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals.
   5. Dance naked in front of your pets.
   4. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
   3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
   2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa, and vice-versa.
   l. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See
   how many you can do at a time.
   
                            [HAND! Information]
                                      
                        Back to the HAND! Home Page