H.A.N.D!
                              Have A Nice Day!
                          November, 1995 - Issue 2
                                      
                                    :-)
                                      
    "Warranty doesn't cover incidents owing to an air plane crash, ship
    sinking (or taking on water), or a motor vehicle crash. It also does
       not cover damage from sonic boom vibrations or electromagnetic
                      radiation from nuclear blasts."
                                      
   . A certain professor at a local university was well known for making
   obscene jokes during tutorials. As you can guess, a group of his
   female students were not impressed with the jokes and agreed that next
   time the professor was to start a joke, they'd all walk out. The
   professor, having been tipped off about the plan, started speaking in
   his 'dirty joke' tone of voice... "Ladies and Gentlemen, there is
   currently a dearth of women in Paris..." With that the girls started
   to leave. The professor quickly shouted, "Wait ladies! All the planes
   to Paris are booked until tomorrow morning!"
   . A man suddenly found that he was shrinking. Each day he was getting
   smaller and smaller. Very worried, he went to the doctor's office.
   "I've got to see the doctor!" the man demanded, frantically.
   "He's very busy," the nurse calmly replied. "Just take a seat and be a
   little patient."
   . Thanks to automatic teller machines, we no longer have to tell
   children money doesn't grow on trees. They now think it comes out of a
   wall.
   . The crofter's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and
   the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the
   father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here,
   you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a lusty baby
   boy was brought into the world.
   "Och!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by...I
   think there's yet another wee bairn to come." Sure enough, within
   minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. "Na, dinna be in a great hurry
   to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another
   one besides!" cried the doctor.
   The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:
   "Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?"
   . Paddy walked into his local pub, and was surprised to see his pal
   Murphy sitting on the snooker table, holding the cues out at his
   sides, and moving the ends in circles, so he asked him "Murphy! What
   on earth are you doing?" Murphy replies "I`m just out rowing".
   "But Murphy, you`re not in a boat."
   Murphy thinks a moment and says "Yes I am. Look, here it is."
   "No you`re not. You`re just imagining it."
   Murphy looks around, and says to Paddy "So the boat`s not here at all
   then?"
   "No."
   Murphy then shouts "Paddy! Help me!".
   "Why? What`s the matter?"
   Murphy shouts back......."I can't swim!"
   . An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual
   findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can
   communicate at a distance of 300 miles."
   "What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked
   an astounded member of the group.
   "I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds
   something like 'Can you still hear me?'"
   . We've finally got the puppy paper-trained. Now if we could just get
   him to wait until we've finished reading the paper!
   . A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be
   sitting next to each other in the local diner. "I always tip
   waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me," said one.
   "Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask
   them to vote for you."
   . Sign on a company bulletin board: "This firm requires no
   physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to
   conclusions, running down the boss, flying off the handle, flogging
   dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility and
   pushing his luck."
   . Aunt Billie's Really, Really, Really Interesting Questions:
   * Is there any possibility of passing sterility on to our children?
   * If olive oil is made from olives, then what is baby oil made from?
   * If vegetarians eat vegetables, then what do humanitarians eat?
   . Mrs. Mouse and her three little mice were crossing the street.
   Suddenly, a large cat appeared right in front of them. Everyone froze.
   Mrs. Mouse stared at the Cat. The cat locked eyes with Mrs. Mouse, her
   little mice shuddering behind her.
   Mrs. Mouse opened her mouth and roared "WOOF! WOOF!" The cat turned
   tail and ran away as fast as he could.
   Mrs. Mouse turned to her three little ones and said "See, I told you
   how important it is to learn a second language!"
   . Uncle Bob's Wise Words:
   1 - You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
   2 - My ship came in, but I was at the train station.
   3 - The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you
   can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you
   can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
   4 - If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.
   5 - If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counselling; if
   you can use either one, it's a miracle.
   . Medical Terms: (Jeff Foxworthy)
   Artery = The study of fine paintings
   Barium = What you do when CPR fails
   Benign = What you are after you be eight
   Caesarean Section = A district in Rome
   Dilate = To live long
   Fester = Quicker
   GI Series = Soldiers' baseball games
   Hangnail = A coat hook
   Medical Staff = A doctor's cane
   Minor Operation = Coal digging
   Morbid = A higher offer
   Nitrate = Lower than the day rate
   Node = Was aware of
   Outpatient = A person who has fainted
   Post-operative = A letter carrier
   Protein = In favour of young people
   Tumor = An extra pair
   Urine = Opposite of you're out
   
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