H.A.N.D!
                              Have A Nice Day!
                         November, 1996 - Issue 14
                                      
                                    :-)
                                      
    "Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the
      church labelled 'For the sick' is for monetary donations only."
                                      
   . A customer walked into a restaurant and saw a sign on the wall that
   said, "$500 if we fail to fill your order." When a waitress came to
   his table he ordered elephant ears on rye. She went into the kitchen
   and a few minutes later the angry restaurant owner came out, laid five
   $100 bills on the customer's table and said, "You got me this time,
   buddy, but that's the first time we've ever been out of rye bread!"
   
   . A young kid is in school taking a true-false test and he's flipping
   a coin for the answers. He reaches the end of the test and starts
   flipping the coin again. The teacher asks, "What are you doing?"
   He replies, "Checking my work!"
   
   . For months Sally went to the same restaurant every Sunday morning
   and ordered pancakes for breakfast. Although 'three large pancakes'
   was listed on the menu, she always ordered just two. One day she asked
   the waitress if it was an inconvenience for them to give her just the
   two pancakes.
   "Oh, no," she replied, "The cook loves you. Every time you come in, he
   gets a pancake."
   
   . One member of the bridge club was wearing a gold locket on a chain
   around her neck. "That's lovely," remarked another player. "Do you
   keep a memento in it?"
   "A lock of my husband's hair," replied the first woman.
   "But your husband is still alive."
   "Yes," said the first, "but his hair is gone."
   
   . I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".
   So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
   -- Steven Wright
   
   . "Dad," said Tyrone, "I'm late for football practice. Would you
   please do my homework for me?"
   The teen's father said, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
   "That's okay," replied the boy. "At least you could try."
   
   . A father watching his daughter select a very expensive wedding gown
   remarked, "I don't mind giving you away, but must I gift-wrap you,
   too?"
   
   . Knowing my husband's habit of sampling everything I bake, I left a
   note on a dozen mince tarts reading, "Counted - one dozen." When I
   returned, two tarts were missing and there was a second note that
   read, "Think metric."
   
   . A motorist confessed to a farmer, "Unfortunately I've run over your
   rooster - but I'll replace it, of course."
   "Okay," said the farmer, "Then be here tomorrow morning at four
   o'clock sharp."
   
   . Sarah: Why are you so happy?
   Rachel: The teacher said we would have a test rain or shine!
   Sarah: So?
   Rachel: It's snowing!!!!
   
   . A guy calls the hospital and yells, "You gotta send help! My wife's
   going into labor!"
   The nurse replies, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
   He says, "No! This is her husband!"
   
   . One morning a man answered a knock at his door. There stood a
   six-foot-tall cockroach. "May I help you?" the man asked, whereupon
   the cockroach punched him in the face.
   
   The man later went to his doctor to have his bruised eye examined.
   "Aah, yes," said the doctor, "I hear there's a nasty bug going
   around."
   
   . Having overlooked his electric bill, my brother received another
   from the utility company marked FINAL NOTICE. He immediately made out
   a cheque and mailed it in with the bill, which he changed to read
   FINALLY NOTICED.
   
   . Aunt Billie's Really, Really, Really Interesting Questions:
   * If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
   it considered a hostage situation?
   * When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder
   why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
   * Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
   * When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
   * If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
   
   . A plumber was trying to placate a woman in her flooded kitchen.
   "Listen, ma'am," he said, "Crying only makes it worse."
   
   . Uncle Bob's Wise Words:
   * Money isn't everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay
   in touch.
   * Smile... people will wonder what you are up to.
   * It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how
   he found out.
   * This sentence no verb.
   * My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 65. Now
   she's 90 and we don't know where the heck she is!
   
   . A caddie rushed up to Aunt Billie and shouted:
   "I've got good news and bad news! First the good news: You got a hole
   in one on the sixth hole. Now the bad news: We're playing the fifth!"
   
   . Uncle Bob was dining in an expensive restaurant. The waiter came
   over and inquired, "How did you find your steak, sir?"
   He replied, "Purely by accident. I moved the potatoes and the peas,
   and Voila! there it was."
   
   . How can you tell when Aunt Billie is at the airport?
   She's the one throwing bread to the planes.
   
   . Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, was coming in for a landing and the
   pilot was freaking out. His face was bright red and sweat was jumping
   off his brow. The plane landed and instantly came to a screeching
   halt.
   The pilot then turned to Aunt Billie and said, "WOW! That was the
   shortest runway I ever landed on."
   To which Aunt Billie replied, "Yeah, and so wide."
   
   . Cousin Baby Boomer's 100% irrelevant fact of the month:
   Every person has a unique tongue print.
   
   . Johnny had never gone ice fishing before and on the spur of the
   moment, decided to. He started roaming around until he picked out what
   he thought was a good spot. He was just getting ready to drill a hole
   when he heard a voice boom, "There are NO fish under the ice."
   After hearing this, Johnny moved to another spot and got ready to
   drill when he heard the voice again, "There are NO fish under the
   ice!"
   "Wow," thought Johnny, "God must really be looking after me."
   Johnny found another spot and got ready to drill when he heard the
   voice, again!
   "This is the ICE RINK MANAGER, THERE ARE *NO* FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
   
   . Aircraft assisted enforcement of the speed limit had just been
   introduced on the highways in the area around Grand Falls and the
   general public was still not used to it.
   Tracking one speeding motorist, the pilot radioed a patrol car, and
   the violator was soon pulled over. The driver, a priest, explained to
   the Mountie that he was late for a funeral. The Mountie was
   sympathetic but, motioning in the direction that the plane had gone,
   told the priest that it wasn't up to him but rather to the guy up
   there. The priest looked up and said, "I thought he was on my side."
   
   . Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers, a
   cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door,
   tripped on the curb and tried five cars before opening the door to his
   own and falling asleep on the front seat.
   
   One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the
   sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled
   him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed
   a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that
   was possible.
   
   "Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy."
   
   . My son's homework is like a juicy steak...rarely done.
   
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